Learning to be well after Lyme disease is harder than you might think. You would think that hearing the words, “You’re in remission,” would be a welcome relief. And you would be right, it was fantastic! But, there’s a curious thing that happens which few people consider after battling a chronic illness: learning how to live a full life after recovery. I’ve written about my battle against Lyme disease, but I’ve spent minimal energy writing about that surprisingly elusive new beginning, learning to be well.
The Realization That I’m Still Scared
This epiphany came to me recently. I realized that two years into remission, and hours upon hours of therapy, I am still running away from my body. It surprised me one night while I was sitting on my patio, viewing mother nature’s tapestry as the sun dipped below the mountains. Watching the artistry unfold, I drifted off in thought.
Despite having a perfectly normal day, my mind was racing in a blur of fears and anxiety. My eyes fogged over and darkness veiled my vision. Through the shadow of my mind, I saw what I perceived as my inner self tearing itself away from my body. It was an odd sensation, my essence struggling to free itself from this corporeal existence, but unable to depart. She stretched out in front of me, as though stuck to me by glue. This phenomenon was shocking and disturbing. I stared at my essence, stunned by her desire to flee. Where are you going? Why are you running? This is your home! I am your home!
After the shock wore off, of seeing my inner self attempting to flee, comprehension washed over me. I was still scared. A decade or more of running away from my body had become my automatic response to fear and anxiety. This body had been riddled with disease for most of my life and I was still afraid of it. I didn’t trust it. What’s more, my mind was still caught in a constant reel of fight or flight. I perceived danger everywhere.
Considering this revelation, I reminded myself that I am no longer that sick woman. I no longer have to cower from life. Vulnerability and fear are behind me. It was time to look ahead and allow the sunlight in. In that moment, I welcomed myself home. I assured myself that this body is safe and strong.
Give Thanks to The Body That Fought So Hard For You
I recently wrote about the superhero pose. The superhero pose embodies my stance towards myself right now. It is a stance of courage and determination, defiance in the face of adversity, with a deep sense of self-assuredness. It says, “I am a survivor. I am a warrioress. I battled Lyme disease, and I won.” More than that, it declares, “I am strong, I am resilient and I believe in myself.” Now, when I’m feeling scared or vulnerable, I assume the superhero pose and allow the power of that stance to wash over me. I thank my body for having fought so hard for me for so long. As I stand there, with my hands on my hips, I feel the strength coursing through my muscles and the unbound energy I have to offer the world.
Baby Steps
It’s important to be patient with yourself. Your strength and courage won’t come back all at once. Much like a baby learning to walk you have to take it one day at a time, baby steps. I started small with short walks, then longer and longer ones. Eventually, I jumped on my bike and went for my first bike ride in over two years.
A few months after my recovery I was able to participate in what’s known locally as The Wag Race with my beagle Oliver. It’s a race to raise money for a local dog park. Ollie and I had so much fun. We mostly walked but it felt 
amazing. It was something I had wanted to do for years but had never been able to. I was elated. That race was my first small step toward learning to be well.
Daily Practice
I now make it a daily practice to thank myself, this body that fought so hard for me. It bears repeating to be patient with yourself. Recognize that there will be setbacks but keep moving forward. Learn to be present with yourself and celebrate each achievement.
The most difficult part of learning to be well after Lyme disease has been to turn off the inner critic. Silencing that small voice inside that’s shouting, “Slow down! You’ll pay for this tomorrow if you don’t turn around and go home soon!” She’s still watching out for me and warning me about possible dangers ahead. My inner self has yet to let go of that fear after years of learned behaviors. I have found meditation to be vastly helpful in learning to trust myself again. Through meditation I have learned to settle into my body and sit with myself. To find comfort in my body. Sometimes it’s also important to celebrate with more enthusiasm. One of my favorite things to do is to turn up the music and dance with abandon in my living room. Because this body is capable again.
The routine of fear and mistrust is slowly being replaced as I settle into this strong, healthy body. Through meditation, patience and self-love I am learning to live a full life, free from the burden of disease. I am learning how to be well.
